Sunday, December 28

if i could, i would inject it.

hello! i haven't updated in so long. i've been so busy (for once)! i've ben doing a lot of socializing lately since school is coming up i suppose and since i found a gentleman! i've still been trying to look for a job (sort of) but i still haven't gotten any luck. i guess i'll have to go job hunting for a few hours one day and that's it- only go looking for jobs! i need $$, i need stuff to do when i'm not with my friends, i need to keep busy with a steady job. yikes. i better get on that as soon as possible before it's too late.

here's what you missed:
1. the date i went on with michael went very very well that we ended up going on another when 2 days later. it was more like hanging out than an actual "date" than the first time when we went out to dinner but it was still so nice. i guess we just clicked and we've been seeing each other since. it's such a nice feeling to know you met someone who is completely opposite from the guys you used to date or used to go for. i guess i always used to end up with boys who treated me poorly, calling me names, pulling me down with them, but still liked me at the same time? or maybe didn't like me at all. i would always get fucked over in the end or they just wanted to control me and wanted me for their own because they could control me. michael treats me well, he has an amazing sense of humor, he's incredibly sweet, he gets along with my friends already which none of my past boyfriends or "flings" had no interest in even wanting to hang out with my friends (and that's really important to me), so i'm really happy where this is going. and so is he. i just hope it will continue this way and only get better. i don't have any doubts or worries like i always did in the past. i only am scared that we're going a bit too fast and he might change his mind about me down the line but he doesn't seem like that type of person. like i said, he's not like any of the guys i dated before. we're both really happy with how everything is going so far and all we can do is work towards a relationship because it's not just all cute & romantic unfortunately. it requires work too or else the relationship will fail. but i'm completely ready for that and so is he. i wasn't ready to be in a relationship before because i didn't feel comfortable with anyone but michael makes me feel close with him, comfortable, and i can act myself. it's such a great feeling. i haven't felt this way since god knows when.

2. more fun with katie and karin! since they're home from college, we've been hanging out almost every day or every other day. karin & katie came with me last night to a little party or i guess i should say "gathering" where michael invited us to. it was really cute. the host, grace who was michael's best friend's girlfriend, was so sweet and had cute little cookies, snacks, and drinks for everyone. we watched the women while the guys were all roaming around playing pool or video games or something but then michael was being a baaaaaby (just kidding) so i had to hang out with him during my movie. that movie is so cute too! i definitely want to rent it on my own time. i love when anyone recommends me movies. i'm such a movie fanatic. i'm more of a classic movie watcher (of course)- 1930s-1960s movies but i'll still watch movies from today. if they're good. sometimes. i guess. ^_^. katie slept over last night and stayed here until like, 5:00 and we honestly did nothing but sit on facebook, lookbook, and whatever else. i have to wait until 9:00 for my ebay stuff to end and i'm really hoping i at least win 2 of the things i want that are ending tonight. i'm getting so outbid! i'm so upset but i have a lot of other things i'm waiting for to end in 5 days. so hopefully i'll win some of those too.

3. there is actually no number three. i just like numbering things because it looks very neat and organized and i'm an organized freak.

in the outfit: i wore this on my first date with michael-
big gray sweater- gina tricot
ruffled black blouse- h&m
pencil skirt- f21
turquoise wedges with a bow- seychelle's from urban outfitters
wired ring- young designers market in nyc
silver bangles & black bracelet with silver hearts- brighton

i need to take a nap because i'm almost about to fall asleep. i think i'll read a little bit more of Haunted before i nap and then i'll pass out until 8:55 so i can bid right before the items end. that sounds like a plan. tomorrow i'm going to michael's, tuesday michael is spending the day here, and wednesday is new years'! partying in new brunswick with katie & michael. i'm excited. i want to hear about everyones new year's. OH! and everyone's christmas!! how did i forget that? i guess because i'm jewish and on christmas i slept and slept and slept. i was going to spend some time with michael but i was too lazy. tell me about your christmas!! and what did you get? and if you celebrate hanukkah like me, what did you get?


Tuesday, December 23

picture OVERLOAD.

hi everyone! thanks for all the comments. i really appreciate them. they all make me so happy ^_^ really! i can't believe the holidays are finally HERE! i'm jewish so i celebrate hanukkah and the first night was just a few days ago. christmas starts in two days and i'm just in shock that it all came so fast. my mom bought me, aside from all the clothes from ebay and whatnot, an audrey hepburn calender (she buys me a calender every year), an audrey hepburn book: her life in photos, and my aunt got me a cute little vera bradley cosmetic bag for my purse (i always have my lipsticks and stuff scattered in my purse and it's always so annoying!). my mom got my dad the dark knight so i've been watching that nonstop for the past two days. i absolutely love that movie (the one movie i'll watch that isn't from the 1950s!) it's fabulous. heath ledger is amazing in it. i can't get over how creepy he is as the joker. i'm so upset he won't be in the next film. it's so sad. anyway, i got my sister across the universe because she's been singing the songs from that movie ever since she first saw it on HBO. i still want to get her something else because i feel like that's not enough. i still have time thou since there's 8 days of hanukkah ^_^. i got $50 so far in hanukah money from my great aunt so i'm waiting on the rest of it so i can go shopping on ebay (which i'm actually going to do right after this post with the $50 and maybe more from my parents hehe) but i understand how poor the economy is this year. i'm happy with what i got and my parents already spend so much money on me on clothes throughout the year. and let's not forget the thousands and thousands of dollars they spent towards hospitals, rehabs, and therapy when insurance wouldn't cover it. plus when i stole so much money from their safe and hiding spots during my years of drug use. i'm surprised we're not broke during the economy. but maybe that should show me that we're more well-off than most people and i should appreciate that more and i shouldn't take it for granted like a spoiled brat.. so even the little goods that i got for this holiday, i'm so happy for! i hope everyone else's holidays are great as well. ♥♥♥!!

so yesterday i met clint kelly from what not to wear at my local border's. can you believe it? three years ago i met nicole richie also at border's for a book signing as well but she wouldn't talk to anyone. there were a ton of rules (of course) but at least i got to say hello and get her autograph. with clint, he talked to everyone. he was the sweetest, most humble celebrity. he told me i looked very french and that's a great thing! i asked him about how to come about becoming a stylist since that's what i want to become and he told me to hold off for now since the economy is horrible. the stylists are all getting cut off. he told me to wait a couple of years but that's okay with me since i don't plan on becoming one anytime relatively soon. i was really happy i met him and i got his book as well. the book seems so fun with tips on how to dress, speak, behave, and eat well. it's so cute. if only stacey london was there too... i'd die. i fucking love her. she also looks identical to my therapist! no joke.
(in the picture: my sister, clint, myself, and my best friend katie)

i've finally came back to old old old OLD self where i'm not sitting in my bed 24/7. the night before clint kelly (or two nights before i forget already), i spent the night at karin's with lex and katie (best friends). it was so much fun. karin got a new sweet camera so we ended up taking a million and a half pictures that night. i'm so jealous of it. i want a new camera so badly! i hate my shitty digital :'( but oh well. we went to applebee's for dinner, talked talked talked, then went to the diner at 3 am, danced to rave music wildly in the car taking back roads home. all clean and sober. i'm so happy that i actually could say, "i had so much fun" without drugs. i never could do anything without drugs in my system and saying it was fun. even with my best friends. as embarrassing and hurtful as that is to say, it was true. my best friends are amazing and i have no doubt in my mind we're not going to grow up together. they're the reason why i don't go out and use. they're the reason why i stop and think while i'm in the middle of a craving asking myself, is it worth it? i don't want to lose everything again. i don't want to lose them again because i know when i didn't have them... i was nothing. i didn't even have my family. i didn't even have a home. without them AND my family, i'm nothing. i say this in every entry that i hang out with them but it's true. i can't get over this and this feeling. it's seriously a miracle for me because no one thought i was going to get clean.

gettin' pretty.



katie, karin, and i'm trying to hold karin's hand ;)

metal \m/

lex and katie DANCE DANCE!

me and karin lookin' real good. ^_^

our favorite thing to do: make fun of people with horrible extensions (especially when they think it looks HOT!)
exhibit a: lex's amazing hair extensions.
exhibit b: i'm a foxy lady.

checkin' out our asses (or my lack of).

yep, this is what i look like when i get ready for bed by the end of the night... o_O yikes.

dance party!!!

c'mon & party like you're in staten island~ pump those fists! i'm awesome.


i was either explaining something serious or i was making fun of someone. yep.

ALSO, i have a date tonight. i haven't been on a date since jake which was like, 3 months ago when i started getting clean and that didn't work out so well for a few reasons. the date was amazing but the whole "relationship" just wasn't working afterwards. so i really hope tonight's date goes well, etc. etc. i'm nervous... but so excited. we're getting thai food (my favorite!) and he's coming to pick me up (what a gentleman). but i'm afraid i'm going to feel like i can't trust him or something because of dan, my ex-boyfriend (i never dated jake). i mean, dan was the one who made me fall into that hole of misery. i have a restraining order against the guy. every little detail of him i see in every other guy and i freak out. i just think, "no no he's like dan because he said this i can't go on with this." but it's just something i misunderstood or it's something completely normal... i just can't seem to see it because i was with a psychotic sick fuck for a year and a half. and i'm not exaggerating. i don't know nice. i know bad. when a guy treats me nice, i think something is up. when a guy gives me a compliment, i think he's being sarcastic. i can't trust anyone because of HIM. he RUINED me, my life, my future relationships, my self-esteem. that's another thing i'm working on in therapy because i don't know what to do. that was originally why i started going to therapy. because of what dan was doing to me. i tried to commit suicide twice during our relationship because of how horrible he treated me. and from there on, there were hospitals, institutions, therapy, but dan still didn't think he was doing anything wrong (to this day he still doesn't know why i brought him to court). but, i still stayed with him no matter what. i don't want to be a loner all my life. i obviously want to grow up, get married, have kids but i don't know how with him on my mind whenever i'm out on a date. i don't know if i'm making any sense but i hope you understand what i mean otherwise i'm making a fool out of myself. it's always great to hear a story that relates to my story because i know that i'm not alone. i heard that my friend's sister went throu exactly the same abusive relationship and drug use i did. EXACTLY the same... and i just felt like, wow. i'm not alone. it's not only me. i'm not insane. because i used to think i was just crazy. i mean, what else did i think when i was screaming my head off? just injecting myself with drugs to ease my pain every. single time. ? my parents had no idea who i was. i was using drugs, getting verbally and physically abused, no one knew. i didn't even know what was going on. i was so confused. i was so young. it was like i was brainwashed. he was the only one i listened to until i went to more and more therapy, more and more institutions, and i knew.


p.s. i have recieved this award from one of my favorite bloggers, Q's Daydream. thank you so much! it was such a lovely surprise. especially since i've never received a blog award before! thanks for giving me my first one, lovey! :)

"Blogs who receive this award are "exceedingly charming," says it's authors. This award is a fine one because it focuses not on the glory and fanfare of blogging, but in the PROXIMITY to one another through this online-world. "This blog invests and believes in the PROXIMITY-nearness in space, time and relationships. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement! Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this clever-written text into into the body of their award."

I pass this award onto:

1.) the New Black
2.) A Penny for your Thoughts
3.) Love Maegan
4.) A Room Of One's Own
5.) Scrape. Feel. Dig. Believe. Ask.
6.) I'm Not Anti-Social Social, Just Short-Sighted.
7.) Fashion Chalet
8.) Vintage Lollipops


Friday, December 19

keep living your life

it's supposed to snow storm today/tonight into tomorrow and i'm so excited! if it's going to be this freezing it might as well snow. i can't stand the cold weather but i love the snow- odd, hm? i just find it so incredibly pretty against the naked trees! the high school has already been cancelled- my sister is ECSTATIC. i remember when i was in school and whenever it was supposed to snow i would pray and pray and pray for a snow day. just the whole part of a snow day was the best. sleeping in, staying in your pajamas all day, drinking hot chocolate, turn on the fireplace, lots of blankets, play in the snow/go sledding/build a snowman, bake cookies!... i loved the whole idea of it. so maybe today i can relive that with my sister until i go out later on with my friends. i think it will be fun, hehe. i want to start baking cookies and cupcakes anyway since i don't have anything better to do but i also want to learn to bake. just little baked goods for my friends or for the house whenever someone's craving some sweets for their sweet tooth.

click for larger pictures

i'm wearing a pumpkin colored vintage suit with a chocolate brown faux fur collar and a matching pencil skirt from ebay for $30!, a vintage fur hat, and vintage mid-calf lace-up boots for $25 off ebay. i love this suit so much! i don't want to stop wearing it. i remind myself of Audrey Hepburn as Holly Gollightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's when she's walking around with George Peppard as Paul/Fred "baby" doing things they've never done before and they walk into Tiffany's for the first time in the movie! she's practically wearing the same exact colored coat and fur hat but with the brown sunglasses. ahhhhh! speaking of Audrey: