dailydayna

if i could, i would inject it.

2008-12-28T15:58:00.000-08:00

hello! i haven't updated in so long. i've been so busy (for once)! i've ben doing a lot of socializing lately since school is coming up i suppose and since i found a gentleman! i've still been trying to look for a job (sort of) but i still haven't gotten any luck. i guess i'll have to go job hunting for a few hours one day and that's it- only go looking for jobs! i need $$, i need stuff to do when i'm not with my friends, i need to keep busy with a steady job. yikes. i better get on that as soon as possible before it's too late.

here's what you missed:
1. the date i went on with michael went very very well that we ended up going on another when 2 days later. it was more like hanging out than an actual "date" than the first time when we went out to dinner but it was still so nice. i guess we just clicked and we've been seeing each other since. it's such a nice feeling to know you met someone who is completely opposite from the guys you used to date or used to go for. i guess i always used to end up with boys who treated me poorly, calling me names, pulling me down with them, but still liked me at the same time? or maybe didn't like me at all. i would always get fucked over in the end or they just wanted to control me and wanted me for their own because they could control me. michael treats me well, he has an amazing sense of humor, he's incredibly sweet, he gets along with my friends already which none of my past boyfriends or "flings" had no interest in even wanting to hang out with my friends (and that's really important to me), so i'm really happy where this is going. and so is he. i just hope it will continue this way and only get better. i don't have any doubts or worries like i always did in the past. i only am scared that we're going a bit too fast and he might change his mind about me down the line but he doesn't seem like that type of person. like i said, he's not like any of the guys i dated before. we're both really happy with how everything is going so far and all we can do is work towards a relationship because it's not just all cute & romantic unfortunately. it requires work too or else the relationship will fail. but i'm completely ready for that and so is he. i wasn't ready to be in a relationship before because i didn't feel comfortable with anyone but michael makes me feel close with him, comfortable, and i can act myself. it's such a great feeling. i haven't felt this way since god knows when.

2. more fun with katie and karin! since they're home from college, we've been hanging out almost every day or every other day. karin & katie came with me last night to a little party or i guess i should say "gathering" where michael invited us to. it was really cute. the host, grace who was michael's best friend's girlfriend, was so sweet and had cute little cookies, snacks, and drinks for everyone. we watched the women while the guys were all roaming around playing pool or video games or something but then michael was being a baaaaaby (just kidding) so i had to hang out with him during my movie. that movie is so cute too! i definitely want to rent it on my own time. i love when anyone recommends me movies. i'm such a movie fanatic. i'm more of a classic movie watcher (of course)- 1930s-1960s movies but i'll still watch movies from today. if they're good. sometimes. i guess. ^_^. katie slept over last night and stayed here until like, 5:00 and we honestly did nothing but sit on facebook, lookbook, and whatever else. i have to wait until 9:00 for my ebay stuff to end and i'm really hoping i at least win 2 of the things i want that are ending tonight. i'm getting so outbid! i'm so upset but i have a lot of other things i'm waiting for to end in 5 days. so hopefully i'll win some of those too.

3. there is actually no number three. i just like numbering things because it looks very neat and organized and i'm an organized freak.

in the outfit: i wore this on my first date with michael-
big gray sweater- gina tricot
ruffled black blouse- h&m
pencil skirt- f21
turquoise wedges with a bow- seychelle's from urban outfitters
wired ring- young designers market in nyc
silver bangles & black bracelet with silver hearts- brighton

i need to take a nap because i'm almost about to fall asleep. i think i'll read a little bit more of Haunted before i nap and then i'll pass out until 8:55 so i can bid right before the items end. that sounds like a plan. tomorrow i'm going to michael's, tuesday michael is spending the day here, and wednesday is new years'! partying in new brunswick with katie & michael. i'm excited. i want to hear about everyones new year's. OH! and everyone's christmas!! how did i forget that? i guess because i'm jewish and on christmas i slept and slept and slept. i was going to spend some time with michael but i was too lazy. tell me about your christmas!! and what did you get? and if you celebrate hanukkah like me, what did you get?

xo!
Dayna

picture OVERLOAD.

2008-12-23T06:35:00.001-08:00

hi everyone! thanks for all the comments. i really appreciate them. they all make me so happy ^_^ really! i can't believe the holidays are finally HERE! i'm jewish so i celebrate hanukkah and the first night was just a few days ago. christmas starts in two days and i'm just in shock that it all came so fast. my mom bought me, aside from all the clothes from ebay and whatnot, an audrey hepburn calender (she buys me a calender every year), an audrey hepburn book: her life in photos, and my aunt got me a cute little vera bradley cosmetic bag for my purse (i always have my lipsticks and stuff scattered in my purse and it's always so annoying!). my mom got my dad the dark knight so i've been watching that nonstop for the past two days. i absolutely love that movie (the one movie i'll watch that isn't from the 1950s!) it's fabulous. heath ledger is amazing in it. i can't get over how creepy he is as the joker. i'm so upset he won't be in the next film. it's so sad. anyway, i got my sister across the universe because she's been singing the songs from that movie ever since she first saw it on HBO. i still want to get her something else because i feel like that's not enough. i still have time thou since there's 8 days of hanukkah ^_^. i got $50 so far in hanukah money from my great aunt so i'm waiting on the rest of it so i can go shopping on ebay (which i'm actually going to do right after this post with the $50 and maybe more from my parents hehe) but i understand how poor the economy is this year. i'm happy with what i got and my parents already spend so much money on me on clothes throughout the year. and let's not forget the thousands and thousands of dollars they spent towards hospitals, rehabs, and therapy when insurance wouldn't cover it. plus when i stole so much money from their safe and hiding spots during my years of drug use. i'm surprised we're not broke during the economy. but maybe that should show me that we're more well-off than most people and i should appreciate that more and i shouldn't take it for granted like a spoiled brat.. so even the little goods that i got for this holiday, i'm so happy for! i hope everyone else's holidays are great as well. ♥♥♥!!

so yesterday i met clint kelly from what not to wear at my local border's. can you believe it? three years ago i met nicole richie also at border's for a book signing as well but she wouldn't talk to anyone. there were a ton of rules (of course) but at least i got to say hello and get her autograph. with clint, he talked to everyone. he was the sweetest, most humble celebrity. he told me i looked very french and that's a great thing! i asked him about how to come about becoming a stylist since that's what i want to become and he told me to hold off for now since the economy is horrible. the stylists are all getting cut off. he told me to wait a couple of years but that's okay with me since i don't plan on becoming one anytime relatively soon. i was really happy i met him and i got his book as well. the book seems so fun with tips on how to dress, speak, behave, and eat well. it's so cute. if only stacey london was there too... i'd die. i fucking love her. she also looks identical to my therapist! no joke.
(in the picture: my sister, clint, myself, and my best friend katie)

i've finally came back to old old old OLD self where i'm not sitting in my bed 24/7. the night before clint kelly (or two nights before i forget already), i spent the night at karin's with lex and katie (best friends). it was so much fun. karin got a new sweet camera so we ended up taking a million and a half pictures that night. i'm so jealous of it. i want a new camera so badly! i hate my shitty digital :'( but oh well. we went to applebee's for dinner, talked talked talked, then went to the diner at 3 am, danced to rave music wildly in the car taking back roads home. all clean and sober. i'm so happy that i actually could say, "i had so much fun" without drugs. i never could do anything without drugs in my system and saying it was fun. even with my best friends. as embarrassing and hurtful as that is to say, it was true. my best friends are amazing and i have no doubt in my mind we're not going to grow up together. they're the reason why i don't go out and use. they're the reason why i stop and think while i'm in the middle of a craving asking myself, is it worth it? i don't want to lose everything again. i don't want to lose them again because i know when i didn't have them... i was nothing. i didn't even have my family. i didn't even have a home. without them AND my family, i'm nothing. i say this in every entry that i hang out with them but it's true. i can't get over this and this feeling. it's seriously a miracle for me because no one thought i was going to get clean.

gettin' pretty.

katie♥

karin♥

katie, karin, and i'm trying to hold karin's hand ;)

metal \m/

lex and katie DANCE DANCE!

me and karin lookin' real good. ^_^

our favorite thing to do: make fun of people with horrible extensions (especially when they think it looks HOT!)
exhibit a: lex's amazing hair extensions.
exhibit b: i'm a foxy lady.

checkin' out our asses (or my lack of).

yep, this is what i look like when i get ready for bed by the end of the night... o_O yikes.

dance party!!!

c'mon & party like you're in staten island~ pump those fists! i'm awesome.

$$$

i was either explaining something serious or i was making fun of someone. yep.

ALSO, i have a date tonight. i haven't been on a date since jake which was like, 3 months ago when i started getting clean and that didn't work out so well for a few reasons. the date was amazing but the whole "relationship" just wasn't working afterwards. so i really hope tonight's date goes well, etc. etc. i'm nervous... but so excited. we're getting thai food (my favorite!) and he's coming to pick me up (what a gentleman). but i'm afraid i'm going to feel like i can't trust him or something because of dan, my ex-boyfriend (i never dated jake). i mean, dan was the one who made me fall into that hole of misery. i have a restraining order against the guy. every little detail of him i see in every other guy and i freak out. i just think, "no no he's like dan because he said this i can't go on with this." but it's just something i misunderstood or it's something completely normal... i just can't seem to see it because i was with a psychotic sick fuck for a year and a half. and i'm not exaggerating. i don't know nice. i know bad. when a guy treats me nice, i think something is up. when a guy gives me a compliment, i think he's being sarcastic. i can't trust anyone because of HIM. he RUINED me, my life, my future relationships, my self-esteem. that's another thing i'm working on in therapy because i don't know what to do. that was originally why i started going to therapy. because of what dan was doing to me. i tried to commit suicide twice during our relationship because of how horrible he treated me. and from there on, there were hospitals, institutions, therapy, but dan still didn't think he was doing anything wrong (to this day he still doesn't know why i brought him to court). but, i still stayed with him no matter what. i don't want to be a loner all my life. i obviously want to grow up, get married, have kids but i don't know how with him on my mind whenever i'm out on a date. i don't know if i'm making any sense but i hope you understand what i mean otherwise i'm making a fool out of myself. it's always great to hear a story that relates to my story because i know that i'm not alone. i heard that my friend's sister went throu exactly the same abusive relationship and drug use i did. EXACTLY the same... and i just felt like, wow. i'm not alone. it's not only me. i'm not insane. because i used to think i was just crazy. i mean, what else did i think when i was screaming my head off? just injecting myself with drugs to ease my pain every. single time. ? my parents had no idea who i was. i was using drugs, getting verbally and physically abused, no one knew. i didn't even know what was going on. i was so confused. i was so young. it was like i was brainwashed. he was the only one i listened to until i went to more and more therapy, more and more institutions, and i knew.

xo!
Dayna

p.s. i have recieved this award from one of my favorite bloggers, Q's Daydream. thank you so much! it was such a lovely surprise. especially since i've never received a blog award before! thanks for giving me my first one, lovey! :)

"Blogs who receive this award are "exceedingly charming," says it's authors. This award is a fine one because it focuses not on the glory and fanfare of blogging, but in the PROXIMITY to one another through this online-world. "This blog invests and believes in the PROXIMITY-nearness in space, time and relationships. These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in prizes or self-aggrandizement! Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers! Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this clever-written text into into the body of their award."

I pass this award onto:

1.) the New Black
2.) A Penny for your Thoughts
3.) Love Maegan
4.) A Room Of One's Own
5.) Scrape. Feel. Dig. Believe. Ask.
6.) I'm Not Anti-Social Social, Just Short-Sighted.
7.) Fashion Chalet
8.) Vintage Lollipops

^_^

keep living your life

2008-12-19T03:01:00.000-08:00

it's supposed to snow storm today/tonight into tomorrow and i'm so excited! if it's going to be this freezing it might as well snow. i can't stand the cold weather but i love the snow- odd, hm? i just find it so incredibly pretty against the naked trees! the high school has already been cancelled- my sister is ECSTATIC. i remember when i was in school and whenever it was supposed to snow i would pray and pray and pray for a snow day. just the whole part of a snow day was the best. sleeping in, staying in your pajamas all day, drinking hot chocolate, turn on the fireplace, lots of blankets, play in the snow/go sledding/build a snowman, bake cookies!... i loved the whole idea of it. so maybe today i can relive that with my sister until i go out later on with my friends. i think it will be fun, hehe. i want to start baking cookies and cupcakes anyway since i don't have anything better to do but i also want to learn to bake. just little baked goods for my friends or for the house whenever someone's craving some sweets for their sweet tooth.

click for larger pictures

i'm wearing a pumpkin colored vintage suit with a chocolate brown faux fur collar and a matching pencil skirt from ebay for $30!, a vintage fur hat, and vintage mid-calf lace-up boots for $25 off ebay. i love this suit so much! i don't want to stop wearing it. i remind myself of Audrey Hepburn as Holly Gollightly in Breakfast at Tiffany's when she's walking around with George Peppard as Paul/Fred "baby" doing things they've never done before and they walk into Tiffany's for the first time in the movie! she's practically wearing the same exact colored coat and fur hat but with the brown sunglasses. ahhhhh! speaking of Audrey:

xo!
Dayna

lolita

2008-12-16T04:47:00.000-08:00

oh how i love lolita.

click on the photos for a bigger picture for the details (trust me, it's worth it).

1.) Photo 1: this Gothic lolita style is a lovely piece that is to die for! i love the strappy, chunky heels (with a cute adorable bow!) paired with the black ruffled blouse. of course the dress/skirt is so full-blown and big (and beautiful) it makes you feel like a goddess putting it on, even if it's a full black outfit! notice how her makeup is very minimal because her hair and outfit does the designing itself. her hair is gorgeous, gold-orange, with thick, bold, bangs straight across her forehead and huge curls coming out from her head laced with black. i absolutely love it! if i could pull this off, i would dress like this in a heartbeat (and do my hair like this too)!

2.) Photo 2: when i saw the pictures of this model, i wanted to be just like her. she's absolutely adorable, innocent looking, but sexy at the same time. she has that look of naughty & nice if you know what i mean. this is a Sweet lolita, one of my favorite lolita styles, that always has the most colorful pastel light colors thrown together OR one color (like shown) matched throughout the outfit. this is why i particularly liked this one (and because of her AMAZING hair). her brown thick hair is amazing wrapped up in that bow in curls. i find all curly hair with straight bold bangs are beautiful. whenever i tried to make my hair like that, i failed. but this photo represents that hairstyle perfectly! the lacy red dress and red bow match together identically and the expression on the model's face even goes with the dress and location of the shoot.

3.) Photo 3: ah! okay this photo of another Gothic lolita is one of my FAVORITES. although it is called Gothic lolita fashion, it almost looks punkrock to me and i love, love, love that. none of you probably know, but back when i was much younger (like 13-15) i was a little punk- i dressed like one, i acted like one, i wanted to be nancy spungen. so, this photo is definitely one of my favorites because i know at age 14, i would've tried to make myself up as this model, as this gothic lolita shown. her gold curly hair is locked with pink curls and it looks amazing together, not like some DIY-hair-dye-wanting-to-be-a-punk and it turns on like shit. she looks amazing! the whole outfit is so LOUD and almost obnoxious in a way but i like it. that's why i like it- it's loud and obnoxious. the skirt is so big and ruffled it's probably the most amazing skirt i've ever seen; even with my least favorite colors (besides black). the flower on the skirt just makes it so overdone but at the same time just perfect because that's what this outfit is- completely overdone but completely fabulous. her boots with the striped knee socks go perfectly wrong together along with the chains and buttoned up vest. it's a complete rock image and i love it. this model pulls it off so well and i can't get over it. she just looks flawless in my eyes (and the photo quality sucks too)!

4.) Photo 4: another Sweet lolita photo that shows a lot of the kinds of styles i like in the sweet lolita fashions. the whole image is almost child-like, princess-like, little girl-like. the print on the dress reminds me of when i was a little girl dressing up all the time (i literally used to dress up constantly and go out like that), it has the printed scenery of what looks like to be an almost Strawberry Shortcake (my favorite!, plus care bears + blue bear + hello kitty!) and is paired with tights that also has a print on it that can be very similar to it. the lace gloves & pink bow go so perfectly well with the dress, especially the lace. it brings a very soft, feminine feel to the dress which makes it look like a child maybe wouldn't be wearing it then. the big chunky pink shoes with the adorable bow work once again. they always make the outfit. bows, lace, and ruffles fill up the sweet lolita style perfectly.

xo!
Dayna

hmmmmm...! tell me about you!

2008-12-14T09:58:00.000-08:00

hullo! I've been wanting to update everyday but it seems like I only update every couple of days with nothing to share but random "omg I love _____" and what I did so far in life, so I do apologize that my posts are so boring, but what I can say? I'm just an ordinary girl in this world, so far. but i promise i'll make my updates much more entertaining. i keep debating whether i want to make a new blog or not because i'm very OCD when it comes to organization and i don't like my layout and or how my entries look. oh well...

anyway, last night i had a lot of fun hanging out with a couple of my best friends where we just talked nonstop for literally 8 hours straight at applebee's and over karin's house (i finally met karin's dog and he's the cutest thing ever!) it was a lot of fun. i can't stress enough how happy i am that i'm back, i have my friends back, i have everyone's respect and trust in me again (at least the respect, trust comes harder) and things are back to normal. i'm looked at as Dayna now, their old best friend. not someone who has changed into a heroin junkie and is lost forever. i can't stress it enough. i'm an extremely happy person today and even when things don't go my way sometimes, i don't whine or complain like i used to. i find the good in everything because you never know when life is going to turn on you.

i'm wearing a leopard scarf from H&M which i took from my sister hehe (i'm getting really bored with my scarves even thou i have a ton), a vintage black sweater with faux leopard collar & cuffs for $8 that i bought on ebay, a leather skirt that used to be my mom's when she was younger, a red faux leather bag that i bought in south africa, and black fishnet stockings for $3. the million photos at the top of this entry is what i wore underneath this ^_^ so the big sleeved top i bought for $40 at urban in south africa (and no, it's not urban outfitters!)

so! i want to know how everyone's weekends went since it's already sunday. i actually want to know where everyone goes to college, what you do, what you are aspiring on being because i find that so interesting. i actually am not in school currently. i haven't been since i graduated high school in june. i was going to go to a community college in september but i was in rehab so i had to hold off on the first semester. there was just no way i could go back to school the way i was. so a little while ago while i was still clean, i signed up for classes for the spring semester and i'll be majoring in visual arts. school starts january 22nd and i'm actually really excited! i'm only taking 3-4 classes because i don't want to set myself up for a breakdown since i haven't been in school for a while. i'm taking things slow. so i'm taking math & english (to get those two over with because i did poorly on the tests for them) and a basic drawing class, or color theory. i'm not sure which one i'm not taking. but i'm definitely excited. and so i can get caught up for the next semester, i'm going to take classes over the summer and i really don't mind that. i don't do anything anyway. 90% of the time i sit in my room, in my bed, on this laptop or i'm sleeping. i'd rather be in school doing something productive. so i'll be majoring in visual arts and then after 2 years at raritan valley community college (or one year because i really don't want to stay there for two, but if i have to i will of course) i'll be transferring to a university. but that i'm not sure which yet. i've always been thinking the Fashion Institute of Technology (FIT) in new york city but when i had to go to my friend's friend's dorm- i hated their dorms and their hallway bathrooms were disgusting, absolutely repulsive. and when i visited my friend mike at Rutgers his dorm was just lovely and the bathrooms were very clean. the girls dorms were also very nice too. i definitely have time to check into colleges thou because i want to be a fashion stylist (my dreammm!) and i want the right school that will give me exactly that- shitty dorms or not. i'll get an apartment then with a bunch of my best friends so they'll stop me from using if the dorms are that shitty (hehe). because if i get my own apartment on my own or with people who don't know my situation... woohoo! heroin, crack, ecstasy, let's have a fucking PARTY!! i'll be back to my old ways in no time. and i don't want that.
so i want to hear about you! tell me about what college you go or what colleges you've been to if you've transferred, what you're majoring in, what you plan on being, if you intern anywhere... i'm interested!

xo!
Dayna

p.s. this post was a lot of writing. sorry! hehe.

lovelovelovelove

2008-12-12T20:49:00.001-08:00

I'm looking back at Chanel's collections as well as Marc Jacobs, Balenciaga, and Christian Dior and I seem to love love love love all of their older collections better then their newer collections. Marc Jacobs spring 2009 I absolutely hate. I mean, there are a few that I think are cute but nothing that's amazing to me. Chanel and Christian Dior spring 2009- yumminess! But I still find their old collections even more amazing. I'm in awe when I look at my favorite fashion designer's collections of the past few years. I save a million photos in folders and those photos are my inspirations.

Balenciaga. fall '06.

Chanel. spring '07.
photo credit: style.com.

so, besides my love for these amazing pieces of clothing by these wonderful designers that I just had to show you even thou I wanted to show more but the post would be too long & I hate long, long, long posts... I have a daily outfit AND I cut my hair. I did it. the chocolate brown bob. tell me what you think?

I'm wearing a vintage fur coat, a paisley scarf that used to be my mom's, a leopard pencil skirt i got for $20 at forever21, a big ruffled sleeved top (i don't remember where i bought this actually), and enzo angiolini black knee-high stiletto boots.

NEW DO, HEH:

so... what do you think! oh, and I took this picture after I took like a 5 hour nap (I just woke up @ 11 pm- good luck getting sleep tonight) so don't mind me looking groggy. anyway, I thought it was too short at first but it's starting to grow on me. I like how I look like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction but then I feel like I look like a little girl. I dunno. I'll fool around with my hair, see what works. It's always hard to see what works right when you get it cut. But I'm excited for this change. It's fun. I just can't believe I actually cut it. hhaahaha, it's so different from before!

xo!
Dayna

1967 the summer of love!

2008-12-10T18:24:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows how I love the 40s and 50s era; the look, housewife, the fashions, all of it (and apprently the 50s were boring so the 60s had to spice it up with drugs but I beg to differ! they were both fun in different ways). But ever since I was wee young, I've been listening to Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Jimi Hendrix, Queen, The Beatles, The Doors, etc. I am such a big fan of the 60s and 70s music and I've been so for years! My favorite band is the Doors. I'm in love with Jim Morrison and every one of their songs. He's so sexy when he plays and his voice! Oh my god his voice. He's the sexiest man ever, well he was at least... oh, he still is! His leather pants were the hottest thing back then and today, they are the hottest thing in my opinion. He's perfect all around. Amazing voice, beautiful locks of hair, gorgeous face, perfect style... I could go on and on about him. The Doors and Jimi Hendrix are my top two favs. Jimi Hendrix I love for so many reasons. I mean, did you see the clothes he wears? Ruffled shirts, long floral scarves in his hair, military jackets, wild necklaces... I think he had the most amazing fashion of his time. I obsess over his clothes. I would even wear some of them no doubt! But I dress mainly like I'm from the 50s era. I always get surprising looks or funny faces when I turn on some Dylan or Floyd but I don't think just because I dress one way, means I do everything specifically under that era. you know? I like so many different things!

Anyway, earlier I was watching the Drug years, watching Hendrix amazingly perform, on LSD yet and Janis Joplin and the Doors. I have a bunch of DVDs from the 1960s and 1970s that I bought when I was younger and whenever I watch them I get chills up my spine. it's so amazing watching them perform, watching their facial expressions as they play, watching their body movements, the way they move on stage, what they're wearing... I find it almost as mesmerizing as fashion. But back to the Drug Years on VH1 classic, they were obviously talking about... drugs! that was the whole point of the show; how drugs have progressed over the years, how the drugs progressed from the 60s to the 70s, etc. etc. Acid, acid, acid was the main drug they nonstop talked about. Marijuana was an obvious also but that doesn't bother me, I just miss chillin' out on it. However, I have never tried a psychedelic drug before which is pretty surprising ha. LSD and shrooms are the two drugs I've never tried before, oh and crystal meth. Everything else, I've unfortunately and shamefully tried/been addicted to. As I'm watching this show, it's giving me a craving to want to trip and making me want to use my heroin. And of course the fun drugs; ecstasy, speed, special k... I don't know. the hippies were all dancing, colorful, peaceful, on drugs so I was thinking about it... I wanted it. I wanted to use again. I wasn't always peaceful using on heroin or crack but it was something I did daily because towards the end, I needed the heroin or else I would get physically sick and it was the worst feeling ever. I don't want to talk about it much thou. So as I was watching, I just wanted to turn the television off because it was making me craveee. my life is so boring compared to how my life used to be but of course I love my life just as much as today because I'm clean, I don't complain about much anymore, I find the good in everything, I'm happy, I have my friends back, my family trust me... I'm back. I don't like when people feel sorry for me. I really don't. I don't even expect anyone to because I feel like I brought all of this upon myself and it was my responsibility to get myself out of the shit, which I did; therefore, I don't think anyone should sympathize. If anything, just relate or see it as drugs really aren't something to mess with.

so I finally got a package while I was sleeping from 11 am until 4 pm. My mom woke me up telling me that there was a package for me. so my wool coat came from eBay and I absolutely love it!!!!!! It's in great condition and it's a fur collar and cuffs, I don't know if it's real fur or not but it didn't say faux fur on eBay so I don't know so if it was real, don't hurt me please! :( I really really really love the coat thou. I didn't even want to take it off. here it is!:

Daily Outfit:
Fuzzy white beret- mom's closet
Patterned scarf- vintage
Wool green coat with fur collar & cuffs- $40 vintage eBay
Pleated skirt with big buttons- $100 JCrew

xo!
Dayna

p.s. Friday is my haircut and I decided I'm going for the bob haircut. I don't care if it looks like shit or not. I need something new, I hate my hair now, it doesn't even feel silky... it feels like straw. so I'm really excited to cut it off and dye it chocolate brown! I want a stylish haircut so hopefully this cut will look good on me.

50s fashion

2008-12-08T19:00:00.000-08:00

If you dress like you're from this decade, you will always look classy and it's funny because most of the clothes are typical plain and simple clothing that you will always need. Of course there were patterns like thin stripes, plaid, and ruffles, but not much more than that! It was very simple... nothing crazy like the prints of the 60s. that's the beauty of the 50s! I don't think 50s fashion will ever go out of style. A cropped coat with huge buttons, a ironed skirt matched with darling alligator heels, a little black scarf tied around your neck, and a hat with a bow. Or a simple black dress with a diamond or outrageous necklace and ridiculous diamond earrings. you can't go wrong. I think this is why I always dress like this. I know I will never go wrong. I know that sometimes I may be overdressed for some occasions with this style but in my mind, I don't care! I dream of my life like it's a classic movie. A romantic or depressing or happy classic movie; depending on what's going on that day. I try to be as elegant as I can, as classy as I can because I realized all this time I have such a delicate face and I took advantage of that (and because for all these years I've idolized Audrey Hepburn/Grace Kelly so maybe now that I'm older I'm excelling at being an elegant lady... or at least I try to and sometimes it just comes naturally!- that's the best part) My wardrobe collection is filled with coats with faux fur collars and cuffs (it's a must!), all kinds of blazers, pointy flats, scarves, head scarves, Jackie O. sunglasses, big hats, matching suits, and more. And of course my jewelry collection consists of outrageous diamond earrings and pearl earrings, different colored jeweled earrings, Hawaiian pearl necklaces and pearl chokers, big rings (just one on the ring finger!), and more. I wish I can travel back in time to really understand what it's like living in the 50s... to relive the history of fashion, the life, drive-in diners, making out at drive-in movies in cars; you know all those fun teenage stuff they did in the 50s.

Daily outfit:
*I haven't been doing the daily outfit... mainly because my camera sucks and it doesn't capture my outfit. It just sucks. It all looks better in person so I just get frustrated with the darn camera. But I'll start doing it again, it's okay. Just know, it's a shitty camera.

Black scarf used as head scarf- street in NYC

Loose patterned scarf- vintage

Brown leather gloves- vintage

Grey cropped coat with black faux fur collar- Forever21

Tweed cropped coat that looks like Chanel and I totally wish it was but it's not- vintage

Metallic red strapless dress- Forever21

Wetlook tights- department store

Black wedge heel shoes- Circa Joan & David

I should be getting my ebay finds in the mail soon! so I'm excited to show you those, but mostly I'm excited to wear themmmm! Friday I'm getting a new hair cut and color and I think I'm getting a whole new look. I know everyone says once they cut their hair they feel so much better, like it's a fresh new start and that's what I kind of want (even thou everything is fine, I just want to feel like a fresh new start) so I think I'm going chocolate brown and cutting it into a short bob. when I say short bob I mean a little below my chin. Do you think that would look good? Honest, honest, honest opinions! I'm debating back and forth whether I want to cut it or not. I'm afraid but I'm so sick with my ugly locks. I have naturally curly hair so I'm not sure if that would be okay with the bob haircut. I can always blow it out/straighten it daily but still, just gotta throw that out there. What should I do?!

xo!
Dayna

oh no!

2008-12-07T12:05:00.001-08:00

Bettie Page near death due to a heart attack! nooooooooooo

sad sad news. I got a text from my ex-"fling" saying she died on december 4th and I'm like no you idiot. she's near death. it says no where on the internet that she died. hahaha. I hope she'll make it through, even if she's an old woman. she can do it!

and I'm sorry I haven't been updating or commenting/reading anyone's blogs. I've been falling behind lately with that because I've been cleaning, partying, hanging out with friends, obsessing over ebay!, I'm using livejournal as well again, so I'm just all caught up in stuff. I promise I'll start blogging again with fashion and my outfits. I'm going to stop blogging about my life because that's what my livejournal is for. if you care to read about my life, add me on my livejournal.

I can't wait to show you all my buys off of ebay, hopefully I will win the 4 items today/tomorrow thou. they're amazing, incredible. I'm getting myself a new wardrobe, but of course I'll still be wearing the thousands of clothes in my closet and dresser, but I need a new style which I definitely have in mind ;) I am going for a haircut and color dye as well. I need a new look.I feel like when I dress up nicely, my hair and face don't match my classy outfit. I need my hair to be classy to match my outfit and I need to find the right make up for my face as well. I'm even cleaning up my room so it's all organized, neat, and has a soothing presence to it. I can't wait.

xo!
Dayna

darling

2008-12-04T06:10:00.000-08:00

oscar de la renta dress & philip tracey hat.
stunning.

xo!
Dayna

south africa

2008-12-03T05:58:00.001-08:00

this is cape town, south africa & my whole family lives right near table top mountain & lion's head which are the mountains you see in the distance!

My dad was born and raised in Cape Town, South Africa. He immigrated over to the United States when he was in his early 20s because of the apartheid. I was just talking to my mom about it; the apartheid and how my dad felt. I never realized how horrible the apartheid actually was. I always grew up learning about South Africa and Cape Town because of my family down there and my father and I've been visiting there every or every other summer as well since I was born, but I never actually understood "apartheid" until now.

My mom was telling me as we came back from the methadone clinic, sitting in the car, that the apartheid was all about how the South African government treated the poor and how the white people treated the blacks. Of course not every white person in South Africa disliked the blacks, but there were many of them. But my father and his family weren't one of them. My dad felt so ashamed being apart of the South African government because of the apartheid going on and he didn't believe in what the government was doing. And what the government was doing was putting more money into their pockets to make them more rich while the people on the streets (the majority) are living in shacks. I've seen the shacks, every year I go there. It's so sad seeing how people are living in cardboard boxes their entire lives. It's not fair. But the government doesn't seem to care. Thank god my father wasn't one of them living in the shacks. He was apart of the wealthy but he still couldn't handle what was going on. That's when and why my father came over to America which was in the late 1970s or early 1980s (I'm not exactly sure). I asked my mom if he felt any sadness for leaving South Africa but she said right then, not much because it was such a mess there that there was no possible way of living. But the rest of his family, my 3 uncles, my grandma & grandpa, ended up staying there because they were used to the way of life there. It's very different living in South Africa than in America but my dad just couldn't handle the government anymore and the horrid apartheid. He couldn't take the chance because black people didn't know my father... they just knew he was white. So they looked at that, and would start a riot. And it makes sense.

the shacks I see every year all around south africa.
The apartheid started in the 30s or 40s until 1990 when my mom was pregnant with me when Nelson Mendela came out of prison and became president. My dad told my mom he never thought he would see this day; where the apartheid would end. He never ever thought the blacks and whites would integrate finally and he wanted to go back because he felt that South African pride. I felt so sad. My mom of course didn't want to live there because she's American and was going to have American children. But I couldn't help but feel sadness for my dad because the apartheid ended and the reason why he came to the U.S. was because of the apartheid. And now that is was over, he felt the pride. He wasn't embarrassed to say he was South African. He was able to tell others he was South African and proud.

I have amazing cousins, a grandma, aunts and uncles in South Africa. My grandpa passed away when I was 14 but thankfully I saw him before he passed. RIP. the last time I saw my grandma was over the summer when she visited but I was using heroin and cocaine. I regret her seeing me when I was high but I'm not sure if she knew. well, she had to know something was up but she didn't say anything. But she knows about my use. and the last time I saw my Uncle Jeff, my dad's closet brother, was when he visited me in fucking rehab. It's so sad because I haven't seen my relatives there for so long and the last time they see me is when I'm nodding out on goddamn heroin or just coming off of it, screaming and crying and cursing my head off; which was what I was doing when my Uncle Jeff saw me. Next summer I'll be visiting South Africa and I can't wait because I'm really close with my cousins, Zac and Chad who's 16 and 13. I miss them so much. the last time I saw them was the summer of '07 for my 17th birthday. and this time, they will all see me 100% clean and they will be so proud.

xo!
Dayna

audrey hepburn

2008-12-01T15:55:00.000-08:00

my idol

Audrey Hepburn was born on May 4, 1929 in Brussels, Belgium as Edda van Heemstra Hepburn-Ruston. Joseph Hepburn-Ruston, who was a banker and Ella Van Heemstra, who was a Dutch baroness, were her parents who eventually divorced in 1935 when her father was accused of embezzling his wife's wealth. After going to boarding school while she was living in Brussels and struggling with WWII, she pursued her interested in dance where she began to study ballet at the Arnhem Conservatory of Dance & Music. A few years later, she moved to London with her mother where she still continued to study dance. In 1951 Audrey starred in her first Broadway play in New York called Gigi where she blew away the audience. Only two years later in '53 she was featured in her first big role Roman Holiday with Gregory Peck. She ended up winning the Academy Award for Best Actress!! After Roman Holiday, along came Sabrina where she received a Tony Award and married Mel Ferrer. War and Peace, Funny Face, Love in the Afternoon, the Nun's Story, the Unforgiven, Breakfast at Tiffany's, the Children's Hour, Charade, Paris when it Sizzles, and My Fair Lady were many other movies she famously starred in. In 1960 while she was working on the film the Unforgiven, she had her first son, Sean, with Mel Ferrer on July 17. Eight years after their son was bored, Audrey and Ferrer divorced and the next year Audrey married Dr. Andrea Mario Dotti. In 1970 she gave birth to her second son with Dotti on February 8th named Luca. As her acting career started to end, she became a one of a kind ambassador of UNICEF (United Nation's Children's Fund) in 1988 to help with children who are poor. But only 5 years later in '93, she died of colon cancer. :(

She was the most generous, kindest, and sweetest woman of her time. She was a wonderful and well-known actresses who was known for her talent, beauty, and kindness. She was a fashion icon of her time and even today. I aspire to become like her not only because she was absolutely beautiful and a wonderful talented actress but because she had a heart of gold. She was genuinely a good person and not one person will ever even compare to her beauty and goodness. She was a one of a kind lady who showed us all how easy class and elegance was and how exciting the little things were in life. But I still think, act, and try to look like Audrey Hepburn every day of my life. xx.

xo!
Dayna

p.s. the reason why I did this is because for the past two days, I've been re-watching all the Audrey Hepburn movies I own and I just can't get over how amazing she was. so I had to do something to show everyone how much she means to me, how much I love her as an actress, how much I really love the 50s, and even to show all of YOU how amazing she really is... she was a flawless human being! :) and I guess it is kind of pathetic that I watch every little movement of her body, listen to the way she talks so perfectly, see what she wears, and how she acts; so I can aspire to be like her... as a person. ah, that's what having an idol means! I sound really creepy so I'm going to stop now and continue watching Funny Face for the 50th time. tootles.

new york city

2008-11-30T12:54:00.000-08:00

I haven't updated in so long and I hate it! but I do have a reason for it... :) I've been in new york city for the past couple of days staying at my aunt's. I love it there. I used to stay at her apartment all the time, almost every weekend but I guess everything changed once I started using. I'm so happy I stayed there this weekend thou. I had so much fun with her, my sister, and I. we went shopping at the young designers market nyc on mulberry street where I bought the cutest threaded hat with a flower on it and two adorable, adorable flats. I can't wait to show all of you, loves! we also went to h&m where I bought arm-length silk gloves (getting closer and closer to being Audrey ^_~), a purple lace top, and a black ruffled top. I absolutely loveeeeee new york. they have the greatest stores there and the typical h&m, forever 21, & zara are so much better in the city then here at home. I need to get a job as soon as possible thou. I'm constantly spending my parent's money, even when the economy is doing extremely poor. But I just am so obsessed with clothes, shoes, bags, scarves, hats, jewelry... I need it all! whenever I want! I sound like a spoiled brat but I'm really not. I don't know. I applied at michael kors, jcrew, and zara a few weeks ago at my mall and they still never called me back; mainly because they weren't really hiring. they were just hiring seasonal. I have to keep looking. apparently forever 21 is hiring but I don't want to work with a bunch of non-fashionable girls there (they think they dress well when they don't or they just suck all around) but I might as well just apply since they are hiring and I desperatellllly need a job!!!!

before the city, on friday, I saw my best friend alyssa who I haven't seen in ages. the last time I saw her (for a brief 15 mins.) was when she picked me up from this kid's house I was staying at when I was high on heroin and I needed a ride back home to get some clothes and my cell phone the beginning of august. then I left. she's so proud of me that I'm clean. she was so sad, so scared when I was using. and honestly, I had no idea she felt this way until she told me. it made me feel like someone actually cared but it also made me feel horrible because of what I was doing to her. I really do have best friends that care for me so much and I took that for granted. I will assure you that I will never do that again thou. anyway, me and alyssa ended up seeing twilight and it was SO good! I was totally against seeing it even before the movie came out. I didn't see what the big deal was at all but after I saw it... I definitely know what the big deal was. holy shit it was amazing. I loved it. and Edward Collins is so so so hot. me and alyssa were in awe when we saw every time he was on the screen ;P alyssa already left for college again today and she won't be back for her winter break until mid december :( I'm really going to miss her but it's not that far away!! after the movies I ended up going to the diner with katie and lex. the same thing came out of lex's mouth; "I am so proud that you're clean. it makes me so happy! you seem so aware and smart with all of this... like you know what you can and cannot do. I love you, I'm so proud. and I don't love you any less now than I did before. I love you just the same." and of course that made me want to cry because I thought me and lex's friendship was over when she told me we had to stop being friends when I was using. everything is turning around for me. it feels so good. I'm even on a new antidepressant that's making me feel great. I haven't spoken to dan because I have the willpower not to now. I just feel really good, so happy. lex also left for college today and she'll be back mid december but I might visit her the beginning of december where she goes to college in connecticut. It'll be so much fun and I really want to see her college as well. it was also nice seeing katie. I thought it was a bit awkward thou, only for me, because I was a little harsh to her the last time I talked to her but I realized that she forgot about that so I should too. so when we all started talking, we both did. and I gave her advice with some things that I hope she will take, and I do hope to see her soon since she comes home every weekend from college.

In the above outfit: (friday's outfit)
yellow ruffled cardigan- $15 sale! jcrew
gray tube top- $15 h&m
leather skirt- mom's from the 80s
gold heart pin- mom's
black point flats &black tights.

by louis vuitton- how adorable and amazing is this? I love all the different colors, the pearls, the cute little owl... omg. I want this so badly!!

xo!
Dayna

good day, good evening

2008-11-26T23:29:00.000-08:00

I had a really great night tonight. I ended up going out to dinner with my old friends, karin and lex like I said I was and it turned out to be really really nice. it was exactly the way things used to be and we were actually able to talk about my drug use, the hurt I caused them, and how I felt when lex just left me in the middle of my using. we had so much fun. I really can't believe how great it turned out to be! I feel really good... at least with all of that. there's just that part of me that's keeping me from being completely happy or okay which is the part that is missing and loving my ex. I hate it. still. I haven't talked to him in about two days. at least when we were screaming at each other... I knew what he was doing, even if he was bringing me down and hurting me. now that I haven't talked to him, the same away message of his is up, and he won't answer any of my texts or IMs... I just don't know what he's doing. I feel like he's been sleeping over that girl's house or she's been at his apartment because he was saying if she found out I was talking to him she would be really upset. whenever I think of that I just want to cry or go crazy. It hurts too much; even though he deserves someone who's half retarded like him. I know I deserve better on the surface but deep down it's like, I just can't let go. I just can't give it up. once I find someone new, everything will be okay. I just have been so lonely. love sucks. I never want to fall into love again. that fast especially. that relationship was so fast even if we dated for a little bit over a year or so. if a relationship moves as fast as the relationship me and dan had... it's bound to end horribly and both of them are going to end up heart broken. or one of them is going to be at least.

In this outfit: (yesterday's!)
corduroy brown jacket- abercrombie & fitch sale $30
strapless floral dress- forever 21 $30
oxford lace up heels- zara $60
&black tights.

I cut my bangs and totally made them uneven. I have to get my hair redyed anyway so I'll get them trimmed and evened out then. thank goooodddd.

this was my lazy outfit from the beginning of the day to the late afternoon. I went out for lunch with my sister (I was supposed to go with ashley but a lot of stuff happened...) at the mall and I just was cleaning up my room and such which is a complete disaster now because lex and karin raided my closet haha. I don't mind though. I had to clean everything up again anyway. it was looking messy and unorganized and I hateeee that. I like my room to look soothing... and having a messy room like that doesn't portray that feeling of bliss or soothingness at all.

I'm going to start using bloglovin' because I didn't realize that's like a "friends page" on livejournal. it will be soo much easier to keep track of all of your entries! I always just go down link by link in the links column on my blog so it's kind of a pain. I'll start using that tomorrow so I'm sorry if I'm slow on comments. I've also just been sad but I appreciate everyone trying to help or just visiting my blog. :)

xo!
Dayna

too much sleep!

2008-11-25T08:51:00.000-08:00

shit has been rouuuuuuughhhh. I need to stop doing things to myself that I know will hurt me and make me depressed but of course I am addicted to self destruction so I can't help it. My ex is still driving me nuts. I found out he's with someone else. okay, fine. but he's telling me one thing and then once he's with his friends... he's telling me another. he also told me (when I didn't know about his new girl) that I should come over but I couldn't (well I was hesitate because of my parents & the restraining order). so when I find out about the girl, everything changes. he acts like he's the best thing on this planet, telling me to go fuck myself, that I'm a cunt, a worthless bitch and junkie, that he actually likes this girl when just maybe a couple hours earlier he was telling me there will never be anyone like me and he will never love anyone again like he loved me aaaand he hasn't been with anyone but me and never will. he's a nut. but before (and every now and then when I did know about the girl) he's telling me he wants to hang out with me, he's reminding me of all of our past memories (good & bad), he's just completely leading me on like we could work. But then I call him yesterday and he's with all his friends and they're all making fun of me calling me crazy. well hell yeah I'm fucking crazy look at what he's doing to me! so what if they call me a nut. I don't care. he hangs out with kids younger than I am and he's fucking 20 years old. I deserve to be a nut with the way he's been treating me anyway. don't I? but I also deserve to be called an idiot because I'm running after him when he's obviously completely not worth my time. I'm just so lonely. He's hurting me so badly. He's breaking my heart more and more everyday but why do I go back? Honestly? no one has any idea how crazy he's acting towards me; the things he's saying, the things he's doing, etc. I just don't want to write about all of that on my blog. It's not necessary, but I do need to rant about some things because it is my life and I don't know what else to say. I always feel better writing or typing shit out anyway. whatever. I'm putting it on myself since I keep talking to him. I just can't stop talking to him. maybe because I need to find out what is the truth. or maybe since I'm off drugs, I have a clearer head so I need to talk to him and I need to go back to him, like he's my antidrug. I don't even know if I'm making sense. I sound dumb. I just need to know the truth. I don't want to be led on anymore. I know he shows off in front of his friends so I know last night was just an act. but everything was an act from the beginning. fuck, he still blames me for bringing him to court! why should he blame ME? why am I running after HIM? why am I supposed to be the one APOLOGIZING? he's telling me I fucked up and I broke his heart and he won't come back to me because of what I did to HIM. what did I do?! put a restraining order on him because he wouldn't stop beating me, harassing me and my family, and verbally abusing me?! My god. and he tells me I don't love him and I never did. what a joke.

In this outfit:
leather jacket- forever 21
lavender strapless dress- jcrew
black lace up oxford heels- zara

I did however get out of my bed yesterday after sleeping until 4:30 pm to go to my soon-to-be school to drop some classes and go to the mall with carrie & leigh. I looked like a mess. I thought my outfit would look really cute but it didn't. not like I thought it would at least. I was just so hot but then I had the chills so however I dress isn't comfortable for me. I feel like I'm withdrawing from heroin again because I am literally sweating so badly in a strapless dress in 20 degree weather but then I'm shivering because I'm also freezing from the outside. It gets me so irritated and uncomfortable. I can't deal with it. my hair was also a mess. I curled it and it was so cute but then it all fell apart. blah. I need to get my act together because I'm not doing so good and school starts for me soon and I haven't been in school since june. at least I'm on the methadone to help me. thank god for that.

tonight I get to see ashley! she comes home around 10 from philly until friday. I'm so excited. I haven't seen her in months and she hasn't even seen me sober yet. she'll be really proud of me. I think after therapy, around 6, I'll hang out with my friend petey as well. I used to hang out with him all the time but once he found out I was using heroin, he stopped talking to me. for some reason people are more freaked out about the heroin than cocaine. I've been using cocaine since I was 16 (among other drugs but my drug of choice then was cocaine) and I recently started the heroin the beginning of this year. cocaine and heroin are both dangerous drugs. one isn't worse than the other. okay well maybe heroin is worse but still. they're both just as bad. especially when you're obsessed with needles and you're shooting up cocaine as well. I don't understand. it doesn't matter thou anyway. that's all in the past and my 60 days is on wednesday :) I'm so proud of myself.

c'mon now... how hot is bettie? when I got my short bangs, I cut them because of her. I wanted to look just like her. she's stunning. I'm still debating whether or not I want to cut my bangs short again, or keep them long. they'll always grow back....

I think this is from an old issue of italian vogue. I could be completely wrong but I found this picture so long ago and I remember that's what it said. I love everything about this photo; the dress, the staircase, the look and pose of the model... ah!

I hope everyone has a great tuesday :)

xo!
Dayna

forever young

2008-11-23T15:53:00.000-08:00

yesterday I went shopping with my mother at our new and improved mall. since thanksgiving is right around the corner there's major sales at all stores that I love. here's what I bought!:

on sale for $45 @ jcrew

on sale for $20 @ jcrew

$98 @ jcrew but I got this in black.

I also got a pair of suede peep toe red platform slingbacks from zara but I couldn't find them online to show you. they look exactly like this thou without the zipper flower (although it would be much more amazing with the zipper flower):

$60 on sale

I love them! I'm so excited to wear them but I haven't been able to wear anything nice all weekend since I've been extremely tired so I haven't gone anywhere. yesterday I took a nap for about 4 hrs. so obviously when it came to go to bed, I couldn't sleep. I ended up falling asleep at 6 in the morning! and today I ended up taking another nap because I woke up early. It's 7:30 and I'm watching girl, interrupted. I ran out of cigarettes so every time Wiona Ryder or Angelina Jolie smokes a cigarette in the movie, I crave for one. I hope my mom picks up a pack or two for me on the way home from dinner. I think I'm going to bake some cookies with my sister because I also want some cookie dough. tomorrow I have to drop off an application at f21 (I need a job terribly and they're actually hiring) and I need to go to my community college to drop some classes since I signed up for 7 classes for the spring semester since I'm an idiot. 7 classes is obviously way too much for me since I'm just going back to school.

xo!
Dayna

alexander mcqueen love

2008-11-22T07:52:00.001-08:00

spring '08

I love big flowers on anything; to die for.

I have way too much love for Alexander Mcqueen. Such a good thing. :-*

bitter sweet

2008-11-21T12:45:00.000-08:00

last night was extremely rough. I was up until 4:30 in the morning talking to my ex boyfriend on the computer who I currently have a restraining order on. It's been about 6 months since our break up. I don't know why I talked to him, but I did. deep down I suppose I still love him; even through all the verbal and physical abuse. I don't know what the hell I was thinking but I wanted to start over with him, I wanted to pretend like we didn't know each other. just start over. after all, I never really knew him since all I knew was drugs and violence for a year and a half with him. I'm finding out new things about him; why he was the way he was, more lies, more apologies. I shouldn't give in and I shouldn't accept it but I don't know. I'm trying to focus on my DBT therapy and I am learning to forgive people, but I don't know if that includes him since there's absolutely no excuse for lies and physical abuse and harassment for a year and a half of my life. I won't ever forget though, but I will forgive (or at least I'm trying to). life is too short to hold grudges. I also try to see that there's no good or bad people. everyone's a good person but if someone sees them as a "bad" person, they're only a good person who has done some wrong whether it's a white lie or a crime. just like me during my heroin use I stole, I lied, I cheated. and just like my ex boyfriend for his physical abuse, anger, and drug abuse as well. but for some reason it's harder for me to forgive him because he physically hurt me (and emotionally hurt me) so it's hard to see him as a good person. I find it wrong to forgive him, but I want to give him that chance. I just feel like he can't give me that chance; if that even makes any sense. I find it so wrong to love him still and want to start over someday! I find him so immature for me even thou he's 3 years older. or maybe he really is just a bastard. the conclusion is thou: I can't get him out of my head. 3 weeks ago I started dreaming about him every night. It was literally out of nowhere. come to think of it, that's when I started to feel better from my methadone and withdrawals (because don't forget I'm in early recovery with my drug use. 56 days is the longest I've been clean and sober) so that means my head is starting to get clear and my body is starting to get used to the medicine and getting used to being drug free after 4 fucking years (at least it's trying to... very very very slowly). but after I started dreaming about him every night, one random day when I checked my myspace about 4 days ago, I get a friend request from his friend. I also haven't talked to my ex in months, since I saw him at court about 6 months ago. but all of the sudden while I'm getting clean, I start thinking about him and dreaming about him. It's fucking nuts. but I find my ex's myspace on his page and I freak out because I knew my ex deleted his myspace a while ago so he somehow just made a new one. I don't know. that's when out of nowhere we started talking, yelling, crying, screaming. It's back to how it used to be: the manipulation game. the first night, it was me yelling at him while he was spilling his guts to me. then the second night it was me being sweet to him, and then he was bringing me down, being a prick, and calling me a junkie. whatever! I am done with this bullshit. because all it did to me was made me crave more than anything last night and I know I can't go back to the streets, even if I secretly fucking want to. fucking almost 60 days ago... I was getting fucked up every single day for almost 4 years. thank god I only found heroin the beginning of this year... or else I don't know if I'd be able to quit. holy shit.

yesterday's outfit! (I got ready in 30 secs. no joke).

In the outfit: gray & white american apparel scarf, hot pink h&m cardigan, gray zara tshirt w/ pink print & black graphic, leather tights.

those were today & yesterday's outfits. I ripped that leopard skirt today when I bent down because it's an XS and I fit into a size S/M but of course I couldn't resist buying it because it was a velvet leopard skirt. even though I ripped it, it doesn't look TERRIBLE because it already had a slit in the back so all I had to wear was a long cardigan to cover it heh. all you saw were my undies.

this afternoon I got some lunch with my friend, carrie who I haven't seen in a while but it was so nice seeing her. we used to be really close but the only reason why I haven't seen her in a while was because I needed time to get used to the methadone, plus I was going through terribly withdrawal. I basically saw no one but the toilet and my bed during those 6 weeks. I don't have anything planned for tonight since emma left for hawaii today and steve is still in france until tomorrow. I'm so excited to see him! and my best friends that are in college are coming home for thanksgiving next week which I am absolutely so excited for because I haven't seen alyssa or ash in months. I also have dinner plans wednesday already with my old best friends who I hope see differently in me now since I am clean. unfortunately I grew apart from them while I was using. it was a little more than just growing apart but we don't need to get into that. I just really hope it goes well because I still love them like best friends. the 3 of us have been best friends for about 3 or 4 years until I fucked up. I blame myself constantly for losing my friends the way I did, and it is my fault, but I can't do anything about it now except showing them that I'm incredibly, genuinely sorry.

WISHLIST ITEM: I have the biggest obsession with hats!!!!; big or small caps with lace, ruffles, bows, and flowers. I'm in awe. (except for shoes of course). Audrey Hepburn and Dita von teese have the best hats eveeeeer. I want them so badly. I was watching My Fair Lady the other night and I couldn't help but pause the movie every 10 minutes to stare at their amazing 10 ft. long hats with lace and huge flowers (also their beautiful gowns). I'm in loveee. I actually found an amazing store on Ebay that sells hundreds of cocktail hats like that so there's no stopping me when I get a hold of my mother or father's credit card. I have a couple of pretty much amazing hats that I found at f21 but I need more than just two of course. I want tons! and I want colorful hats too. I should look throu my grandma's closet next time I go to florida. she was a lovely little pin up gal back in the day.

I'm going out to michael's now to buy some crafty stuff. why not? maybe I can make some collages tonight since I haven't in a while and since I have nothing to do because all my friends are away. I also have nylon & rollingstone magazine to read along with i love lucy season one boxset to watch andddd a bunch of classic movies that I rented from the library that are due tomorrow. I'll just renew them.

xo!
Dayna

first post @ blogspot!

2008-11-19T23:13:00.000-08:00

I remember when I first made a blog back when I was a junior in high school. I was 16 years old and I wrote probably one entry in there and that was it. obviously that thing didn't last. blogspot has definitely improved mucho since then. I'm definitely liking it... I think even better than Livejournal ;D

So it's weird because this is a whole new group of people on blogspot and none of you know me or my story or my life at all. and I am far from like most young ladies because my life has been; two words: fucked up. I will talk about real emotion shit in here that can offend people because I am a recovering drug addict and I am on my 53rd day today of sobriety but it's only the beginning... and I've tried getting clean twice before (but I've never lasted this long but then again I am on methadone) so, I don't know. I guess I'm just telling you all a bit about myself before you start digging into my blog when there's 100 entries in here already and you find something offensive or surprising. It's only because I only know surprising to some people and I only know pain, chaos, scheming, exhausting, being weak & sick. I find my life so incredibly boring now because I'm not out there on the streets getting high or partying my ass off until I black out from drinking too much and mixing it with ecstasy and painkillers. haha, really! of course I will talk about much more than that but every day I get cravings. every day. so I'll probably talk more about it (even if it's for a bit) at least in every other entry or so. I can't help it. it's my blog and I want to show everyone how dangerous drugs really are as well. I'm only 18 years old and I was on the verge of death. I'm a recovering heroin addict, that was my drug of choice. heroin IV user. but I am more than proud of myself to be clean now because I never went more than a couple of days clean or sober and now I'm 53 days clean. It's a miracle really. I gotta say thanks to methadone though. anyway I don't want to spoil you with all my stories and shit yet (just kidding... they're just fucked up nightmares of my life) so I'll shut up about all of this.

so this is what I wore today; more like tonight since I didn't get out of the house until 7:00 and I didn't wake up until 3:30. I have no idea what I was thinking when I put this together other than being artsy. I felt artsy when I was putting on the shirt I was wearing cause of the type it was but I didn't want it to be artsy. I wanted to look... different. and I got different. and I loved the outfit. and I loved when I put on my coat I tied that scarf around my neck like a bow.

In the outfit: back flower headband from f21, black & white coat from f21, gold orange & purple fringed scarf from f21, off-white skinny pants from zara, black stockings, black pointy flats, and black lace gloves from f21. (clearly I love forever 21).

and the purple shirt with a pinned plaid flower on it & it's longer in the back than the front is from zara.

I guess that's it for tonight! tomorrow I have plans to go to Starbucks with Emma since she's leaving for Hawaii on friday :'(( It's going to be sad and lonely but good thing my best friends from college come home next week. I'm so excited. I haven't seen them in so long. and then after Starbucks I will probably have to rush to skills group an hour away from me. wonderful.

xo!
Dayna